the biggest lesson I learned from study abroad

It’s a little surreal to be sitting here reflecting on what was quite possibly the best experience in my 20s. I was 20 years old when I boarded the plane to start an exciting adventure of studying in a foreign country and traveling Europe. Little did I know that it would turn out to be one of the most life-changing experiences I’ve had.

There are so many things that went right and wrong that summer. At the time, I didn’t realize that all of my experiences would teach me one life’s most invaluable lessons. It would be unfair of me to attribute this life lesson solely to my study abroad experience though. There have been challenges in my life since then have made me more self-aware. But, what I do know that my study abroad experience was my 'awakening' moment.

As I sit here writing, I’m finding it nearly impossible to sum up this life lesson into one nicely packaged sentence or statement. Three words that are explored in this article are tolerance, acceptance, and understanding.

tolerance doesn't mean acceptance

Tolerance is a fair, objective, and permissive attitude toward those whose opinions, practices, race, religion, nationality, etc. differ from one’s own -- freedom from bigotry. Simply put, it's the rule that we want others to treat us decently, so we need to treat them decently. Or that “I can live with X (behavior, religion, race, culture, etc.)”.

It’s a fact that a lot of today’s issues are skewed by a dangerous (mostly political) rhetoric that is designed to change or alter our perceptions. At its core, all forms of discrimination come from a place of fear. And, intolerance is caused by the fear of a loss of power. This creates an overwhelming need to control others with what one believes to be true. Like any other belief system, myopic views on diversity are influenced by early conditioning.

It's easy to let our belief and value systems interfere with our ability to tolerate people who are different than we are. To be tolerant of something or someone, we have be open-minded. That means we have to believe that others should be free to express their views and that the value of others should be recognized, regardless of the similarities or differences in views. Once we are tolerant of someone or something, we can then work to accept them/it.

to accept something, you have to tolerate it

Acceptance is a step beyond tolerance. It’s a person’s assent to the reality of a situation, recognizing a process or condition (often a negative and uncomfortable situation) without attempting to change it, protest, or exit. If a sign of tolerance is a feeling of “I can live with X (behavior, religion, race, culture, etc.)” acceptance is that “X is OK.”

You can tolerate something without accepting it, but you can’t accept something without tolerating it. In today’s world, tolerance and acceptance are hard to find. Just turn on the TV or read the news. You’ll see countless stories, videos, and images that display a lack of both tolerance and acceptance. Tolerance and acceptance are difficult to get from people and difficult to give to people.

Let me be clear. I’m 100% for taking action and changing what we can. However, there will be people, situations, and events we don’t like and we aren't able to change. This is likely because these people, situations, and events don't align with our views and beliefs or our proximity leaves us numb to the reality of certain situations or events. When this happens, all we can do is accept what we don’t like. Meaning, if we can’t change a situation or an outcome our best option is to accept it. The lack of acceptance, like intolerance, leads to hate, fear, and animosity towards individuals and/or groups of people.

acceptance doesn't equal understanding

A step beyond acceptance is understanding. The first thing we have to do to understand someone or something is to eliminate all kinds of judgement, biases, and conclusions we have made about that person or issue (social, political, etc.). Understanding requires empathy -- or the experience of understanding another person's thoughts, feelings, and condition from his or her point of view, rather than from your own. For most people, that is tough to do.

It’s possible to tolerate or accept something without understanding it -- acceptance does not equal understanding. And, this is a huge problem. Especially when we think about our lack of understanding for someone -- their religious beliefs, sexuality, opinions, race, political position, value systems, etc.

Too often we don’t take the time to truly understand someone -- even our own family and friends. When we don’t take the time or care to dig deep to understand people who are different than we are, we put a strain on not only those relationships, but our ability to learn, empathize, and change. Growth in those relationships is limited and they often fail because we let own selfishness and ignorance get in the way of digging deep into someone and really understanding their challenges, experiences, and what makes them unique. Working to understand someone is hard work. It often requires hard conversations that challenge our truths and lead to our own convictions, which then can lead to change. It takes time, persistence, and commitment -- it takes action and us willing to take action.

final thoughts

I think that often times we're too quick to shut the door on truly understanding someone or something because it uncovers things about ourselves that are messy -- things we work hard to hide from other people. We’re afraid to be honest with ourselves and we’re afraid that understanding someone or something may result in change, a change in ourselves.

When we start to understand someone or something, our beliefs, views, and perspectives are challenged. And, we run the risk of changing or altering them. All of these things we've worked hard to build and follow for our entire lives. Change is uncomfortable, but when we change we grow. And to grow we have to get uncomfortable. Growth and comfort do not coexist.